An open letter to the (inner) critic

It’s another one of those days when you feel defeated. You had a conversation with someone close to you that started as (unasked-for) advice towards you but ended up in a full-on evaluation of your personality and life choices. You ask yourself “Why do I even care anymore what this person thinks of me” but your inner critic is activated, gladly transforming the opinions into a catastrophic view about yourself.

You want to rebuild your self-worth after such an encounter but don’t know where to start? A first step could be writing down what you feel. Try ending it with a compassionate note about yourself. After all, you’re the closest person that could build yourself up again.

This is the open letter that I wrote:

Here we are again, we pulled each other into an interminable exchange that spiralled deeper and deeper into negativity. Sometimes it starts with an “I’m sad” on my part. Or with an “I don’t know what to do”. Or with an insignificant “my friend is getting married”. Sometimes I don’t even know how it starts. Any act of me seeking a conversation with you could set it off at this point. But what I do know is how it always ends, and that is with me feeling like a scolded child. “You are always so negative”. “You are lost”. “You don’t know what you want, only what you don’t like”. “You don’t have focus”. This is what I’m hearing even though it’s not always what you are directly trying to articulate. And it makes me feel bad.

What’s more likely, that I’m, as you often say, over emotional or that you are hurting me and I have a normal reaction to it? I wonder if you ever realize that you are hurting me. Would you believe me if I told you that? Would you be able to listen? Or do you always think you are right, because you are the authority figure, protecting me from all evil?

Maybe I didn’t need to hear how I will die alone in order to change and become more open. Maybe I just needed a hug and some encouragement.

By you saying “I only do this because I love you“, I learned that the line between love and mistreat can be blurry and than one can hurt me even when having the best intentions. I know you don’t know better and that’s what you learned yourself. I don’t want to blame you; I just want to make you understand how you make me feel. Maybe this way I could make you stop. Because I’m exhausted.

You project your own anxieties and insecurities upon me and then blame me for not fulfilling those made-up standards and storylines. Later, we are sitting at the kitchen table like nothing happened but your voice still screams inside of me. I’ve internalized the critique and now I’m doing it to myself even when you’re not around. Don’t worry, you don’t need to tell me that “I’m not there in life yet” because my mind is doing the job for you on a daily basis. And when I’m able to silence that voice for a bit, you are there to remind me. How dare I forget that life is a series of mistakes, shameful acts, unfulfilled requests. How dare I forgive myself and move on. How dare I not care.

For a while I stopped telling you about my life. I didn’t want to hear your judgment masked as an advice. It was too confusing to hear how you think everyone around me is of lower value than me while simultaneously an example I should follow. The distance helped. I’ve grown and I’ve worked on myself so I can differentiate.

I don’t feel guilty anymore of not being the person you would have liked me to be. I don’t owe you anything other than basic human decency. For a long time, I wished that I can make you show appreciation of what kind of person I am but now I’m perfectly capable of living without your approval.

You can still lure me into your world of angst when I’m at a low point though. One day maybe I will be completely free and careless of what you think but until then.. I will fight! I will fight for myself; I will fight for my future and well being. I will fight you and the voice in my head. Because you’re not right about me. I’m not the helpless person you created in your imagination.

I’m strong and I’m determined. And even in my weak moments, I’m valuable the way I am!

How would yours look like? What would you like to say to your -inner or outer- critic? Do you have your pen and paper ready?

(Or just write it in the Notes app, it’s 2023 after all)