Where do people’s hopes and dreams about us end and where does our self begin?
Everyday we hear people talking to and about other people, how they think they should handle a situation, what they think would be best, well meant advice but based on little background information and very much tainted with their own view on life. Mostly these are things to be forgotten or not to be taken that seriously but not for me, I remember EVERYTHING.
I collect what people say about me like beads of a rosary. I know what my mom said two Saturdays ago, what my friend told me yesterday, what it was said on a car ride on the 20th of December 2020. Once in a while I go through my collection of opinions, some are 20 years old, some just a day, trying to figure out if the people were right or not, if I should follow their advice. I agree and another time disagree with the same opinion, not knowing what is right. If I don’t follow the advice I’m stubborn, if I do, then I live my life how other people tell me to.
All the people around me seem to know better about how life goes, should I trust them on that? Judging from the outside, they have the means to prove they are qualified for seeing things more clearly than me, based on them being in a relationship, having a family, a house, a life you can easily describe for everyone to understand. They seem to be one or more steps ahead. Most of them don’t even know that I take their opinions so seriously, that I value every word so highly.
Every time I hear something I don’t agree with, I’m fighting internally. Am I being childish or independent for not accepting that advice? When asked, everyone seems to agree that there isn’t one right way to live your life, except that, based on their opinions, there is.
I want people to agree with me on topics that go against their own beliefs about how life should be lived, which is a contradiction in itself. I want them to be proud of the things that I could achieve while cutting me some slack for the things I couldn’t achieve yet. I don’t want to fight against opinions at times when not knowing what to do myself. I want them to say “whatever you do, you know best what’s right for you” when I question my decision. When I ask people, I don’t actually want an opinion, I only want encouragement and understanding. I want things that are improbable. I guess confidence is being built despite resistance and not in lack of it.
Where do the things I heard and internalised end and where does my own insecurity begin and does it even matter?
What I always found hard to accept was that things are being laid out for you long before you are born, the hopes and dreams of the people around you, even when coming from a place of love, set out a path for you from the minute you come into this world. Your life is not entirely yours to live, you follow in the footsteps of generations of people, in the hopes that you will prosper even more. But what if you want to break with everything and leave the set path, are you going against your meaning or are you going your own way? Will you be considered to be brave or “lost”? Is being purposeful more important than being happy?
For me at least these two things seem to exclude each other. I have built a life for myself that makes me and the people around me very proud but doesn’t make me very happy. I did things more because I COULD do them, and while this created a sense of power and confidence, they brought me little joy. The things that brought me joy were often very simple childlike pleasures, drawing, smelling flowers, dancing on a good tune. Most people seemingly view life as a project, with phases to reach and deadlines to meet, while I seek pleasure, beauty, a FEELING. I feel a sense of duty towards what I and the people before me have accomplished.
Will I waste my talent, the abilities I arduously acquired, my POTENTIAL, if I leave the marked trail?
